For those not familiar with this, it was started by Alex J. Cavanaugh with the idea of picking one day to share your fears and weaknesses so that you can find comfort with other writers who likely have the same fears and weaknesses.
It’s been quite some time since I have done this, and I apologize for that. I can only hope I will be doing this more often from now on.
I need $125 by October 30th, 2017. Anything you can give will help.
For starters, I’m still disabled. In June, it will be 3 years since my injury and I am no closer to getting on SSDI or having any sort of fix to get me back to work. I recently saw a new doctor, and like all doctors before him, he put me on an anti-depressant. I told him it wouldn’t work and that it would make things worse. At least this doctor, who didn’t really listen to what I said, was straight up with me. He told me that doctors will try to treat what they can identify, which is why doctors want to treat depression (which I don’t have) and sleep apnea (which I do have), and not my symptoms of Post-Concussion Syndrome.
This doctor has sent me to a neuro-psychologist, who I see in a few weeks. I’m not too keen on seeing this doctor, as I’ve seen one in the past and recommended I could go back to work and that I was simply depressed, had aspergers, and my symptoms were mostly in my head. Of course, he was a workers comp doctor, so maybe this one will treat me a bit better. But after 3 years of seeing doctors, I’ve grown to distrust doctors.
I haven’t been able to write much in awhile, but this week I have dedicated myself to getting my career started. I’ve mostly worked on my platform, embracing my coming out to the world as far as my activism. For the longest time, I had wanted to keep my activism separate from my writing. I feared that those that would be politically against me would use my career to hurt me. It’s a valid fear and quite possible to still happen, but the cost of living two lives was too much for me. Plus, this opens my writing to a new market that is likely to support my future endeavors.
It is not my goal to bring the activism or politics to this website, but I will for this post. For a few months now I’ve been a part of #GamerGate. When #GamerGate first started, I wanted not to be a part of it, because of my writing, and because of my disability; it hurt to play video games. I felt I had no place in it. However, I realized no matter what I did, my disability caused me to hurt, I might as well do something I enjoy if I was going to feel pain.
For those who are not aware, #GamerGate is a group of people who seek Journalistic Ethics. There is a long sordid history that I won’t get into, but I will say that it represents a large number of people from different backgrounds, including: Feminism, MRA, different races and sexualities, Egalitarians, Humanists, men and women. It does come under a lot of fire being called a hate group, but as a group, #GamerGate has raised nearly $150,000 for charity for a variety of organizations.
One of the reasons for coming out was to help a former porn actress by the name of Cytherea. Cytherea and her family were victims of a brutal home invasion, which held her husband and children at gunpoint. What was truly horrendous, that while her children were down the hall from her bedroom, Cytherea was raped 4 times. Since the occurrence of these events, the 5 men that broke into her home have been arrested. However, very little of the world heard about this. International Media didn’t report on this, nor did any organization that supports women who are victims of violence and abuse give any help to her.
On February 15, Mercedes Carrera made a video discussing her disgust of people perpetrating a victim narrative as a means to get money, whereas actual victims get no help at all. To all those who were listening, she asked people to help donate to Cytherea’s Emergency fund. Since that video, I have been posting on twitter everyday for people to help. Within 24 hours we had met the goal. Within a week, we have nearly doubled it.
Mercedes has come under attack for her heart of gold, being accused of weaponizing her fellow porn actress for her own gain. I am friends with Mercedes, and I can tell you that she has a big heart and is overall a great person who really cares. It is likely her politics and her lifestyle of doing porn that is really under attack. She is a big supporter of #GamerGate, which has helped raised $19,000 for Cytherea.
In light of that, I wanted those within the movement to know who I am. As mentioned, it does come at great risk to me. There are a lot of people with great hearts out there and I want them to know that one of them is me. I have set up a special event this Saturday, know as #Hope4Cytherea Event. The event invites people to come onto a live show, give a 30 second message of hope to Cytherea, then ask Mercedes a question.
The reason I am doing so much for Cytherea is that I myself have been ignored by the world. Most of the 3 years since my injury, I have lost my friends, my job, my car… I lost everything. The world pretended I didn’t exist. Cytherea experienced, after her attack, people that should have helped, and pretended she didn’t exist. What I have gone through, I don’t want anyone to go through that. It is a hard thing to go through and if it wasn’t for my writing career, I question if I’d be writing this post today.
Only in the last few months have I started having friends again. It’s sad to say that I don’t see people anymore. Every person I ever spoke to before my disability has stopped talking to me. Hell, back in October I was a best man at a wedding, and the groom has stopped talking to me. It’s easy to ignore those that need you. I don’t want anyone ever to feel ignored like I have been. Especially someone like Cytherea. I am happy though that through twitter, I have made a few friends, and that is why I shared who I really am to everyone.
I do have some plans for the future. I want to finish the map making part of my worldbuilding series. Then go into helping build the world. I also plan to do AtoZ challenge this year, as I did last year. That proved to be quite successful. I am hoping to do panels at Phoenix Comicon this year. Talk about worldbuilding, talk about being an indie writer, and maybe about making your own ebook. I haven’t heard back from Phoenix Comicon yet. Really hope I can do it, else I won’t be able to go to Phoenix Comicon this year.
I need to finish my book. I am halfway done. I really want to see the series go live. Despite the failure of my Kickstarter campaign, I will try again in raising funds to get a professional editor and a book cover. It’s for this reason I wish I wasn’t disabled and could work. This way I could pay all of this myself. Unfortunately, I am disabled.
There are a lot of reasons for me to be down, but there is enough to keep me busy that I can try to ignore it and work hard to make a career for myself. If I can just get a little boost, and work hard, I could get enough of an income to find a doctor to help me so I can be well again. To live my life, to have love and friendship, to travel, to work, to do something great. I want to be human again. Being trapped in my room all day every day, I feel like a rock, that takes up space. It’s a horrible way to live.
I need $125 by October 30th, 2017. Anything you can give will help.